July 10 2021
	
	Recently, in desperate need of comic relief from topics such as politics, religion and popular culture, which I find myself more frequently trying to avoid as one would avoid the pool at Disneyland after some kid takes a dump in it, I appealed to a familiar source for a good laugh: Craigslist. I was not disappointed, certainly- au contraire!

	I clicked on “legal jobs”, where I'd been most recently last fall, when I replied to an apparent employment opportunity that sounded interesting. After applying, and receiving no response whatsoever for many weeks, some dude finally called me- at 4:30 in the afternoon on New Year's Eve. I ended up talking to the company's CEO for nearly a half hour. He spilled all the guts about the case. He asked about my interest and I indicated in the affirmative. Then I never heard from that dude again. 

	Anyway, back to the point, the other day I checked out the Craigslist attorney wanted ads again. That CEO dude's post was still there. What a weirdo. Suddenly another ad jumped off the page into my face, and how could it not with a headline like this: “Lightly Seasoned Litigation Associate Needed For Fun SF Boutique Firm (financial district)”. 

	Absolute lawyer ad click-bait. I bit the hook.

	The following ad is a public representation of self-described San Francisco “Super Lawyers” in the year 2021. I offer the unabridged ad in its entirety, with yours truly's comments in bold parentheses; only corporate and personal identities have been modified (it'll be obvious).

	Without further ado, I hereby present:

Lightly Seasoned Litigation Associate Needed For Fun SF Boutique Firm (financial district) © craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap 

852 Market Street, 17th Floot (“Floot”? Is that Dutch for some kind of wind instrument? Is it a typo? Either way, it's not a good start.) (google map) compensation: $75,000.00 - $105,000.00 per year, plus incentive compensation employment type: full-time 

PLEASE READ TO THE END AND SUBMIT AN APPLICATION AS DESCRIBED BELOW. WE WILL NOT CONSIDER APPLICANTS THAT DO NOT FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS. (Neither would I. And never end a sentence with a preposition.)

If you are a brave adventurer and have 2-6 years of experience litigating business, employment, intellectual property, and/or real estate disputes, consider joining Grilled Cheese Legal! (Exclamation Point #1 Alert: According to the Rules of Style this punctuation mark must be used judiciously. This is an unusually early appearing Exclamation Point. Code Yellow.) We have been around for 7 years and growing like a weed. (Let us revel momentarily in the skillful mangling of a sentence of English by felonious abuse of grammar and syntax.) (This is a pun, we do a significant amount of work in the cannabis industry.) (It was so funny I almost forgot to laugh.) We are looking for someone who already possesses basic proficiency in litigation and the California Code of Civil Procedure, including discovery, document review, and motion practice. (I feared what was to come next despite wanting it so badly to feed my need for 'high' Comedy Gold content; I couldn't have paid the CIA for better quality dope.)

We are a group of 10 attorneys who are mostly Super Lawyers and Rising Stars. (Has a more absurd, unsubstantiated boast ever heretofore been uttered? I mean like ever in history? Good grief. Emperor Nero wasn't this delusional.) We are as young, scrappy, and hungry as a boutique law firm can be. (Young but getting older by the micro-nanosecond. Scrappy like a homeless puppy at the pound fighting the big dogs for kibbles and bits. Hungry? Git sumthin' t'eat n' you'll feel better, lil' feller. And jeez, again with the “boutique.” It just means SMALL. And, just for good measure, I loathe Oxford commas.) We handle some very high-profile matters and some very small matters that make a real difference in our clients’ lives, as well as just about everything in between. (A one-size-fits-all fun and weed boutique SF law firm with terrible grammar- got it.) Also, we are in the process of becoming a certified woman-owned law firm. (Well, at least that's something.)

We have a specialty industry focus (here we go): half of our clients are involved in the cannabis industry. (Sweet!) Our ideal candidate will be very comfortable with legal cannabis, even if you don’t know a whole lot about it! (Not just comfortable- very comfortable. [Exclamation Point #2: Code Orange]) Through our work with Grilled Cheese, we are on the front lines and pushing the boundaries in this new, hot industry. (Not the most elegantly written sentence but it does manage to include at least three extremely boring clichés.) We also represent bars, restaurants, startups of all kinds, tech companies, you-name-it; we even once dealt with a pole dancing studio! (Translation: We'll do anything for money. [Exclamation Point #3: Code Red])

Finally, we are a true lifestyle practice (here we go again...). We do not work nights or weekends (unlike most litigation lawyers), except the work demands that we do (e.g., major deadlines or trial prep) or you prefer to work odd hours. (Did they mean “when the works demands...”? And are they saying nights and weekends are odd hours? Did anybody proofread this thing?) The billable hour requirement for this position is 1500 hours per year, with bonuses paid for hours you bill beyond that floor. Compensation reflects this rare laxity (laxity = another word making its first ever appearance in a litigation attorney wanted ad), so please adjust your expectations, but the pay range will be commensurate with experience.

In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are also primarily a remote workplace. (Yawn. That comma doesn't belong there.) We anticipate that the opportunity for intermittent remote work will remain a feature of our office even now that we are starting to return to normalcy (Isn't “normalcy” a word made up by Harry Truman? It's a truly, truly awful word.). We expect both that you would be able to work remotely and that you have the requisite self-discipline to be productive while outside the office. (Good luck with that.)

If you are interested in joining our salty little pirate ship (ugh- gag me with a compostable spoon), please check us out and send a cover letter and resume to partners Cheech Marin @ grilledcheeselegal.com and Thomas Chong @ 
grilledcheeselegal.com (the spaces are only to avoid spam). (Thanx cuz I wuz too stoopid to figure that out.) Your cover letter should include some personal details about you (and NOT personal details about some other random person) (since our fun, collegial culture is of tantamount importance to us), why you would want to work with us, some pirate speak if you are so inclined (Does anybody know what this means? Regardless, any lawyer so inclined should shred his or her bar card immediately.), and your salary requirements. Reminder: we are still a startup and we really take seriously our commitment to having our lives outside of the office. Please do not disqualify yourself -- err on the side of adventure and apply to be a star! ([Exclamation Point #4: Code Purple- Seek immediate shelter in "Musical instruments for sale."] Apply? No. Like that other CEO dude we're probably not a good fit, but thanks anyway- and thanks for the laughs. Fix satiated.)

© 2021 S M Wallace All rights reserved.